went to work this saturday, just yesterday [since it's already 2am in the morning here]. after that all of a sudden, yayan called and offered himself to picked me up. so i said yes, whatever. he came and he drove me to lokananta, i supposed to meet up with the girls there. and there i was minggle with the girls, and he was with ficky, damar, mbi,etc ...

i had fun playing silly games, talking silly things, and absolutely be who i am with the girls. it's been a while since i am able to escape from the pressure of being who everyone wants me to be. i feel free.

:: Nelly Furtado // Try ::

macan's father passed away yesterday. i got the news from marisa. at lokananta i met dira, and we talked a bit about macan's dad, ardi, and aldi. i dont know ... for me, the conversation was pretty standard but the topics, and the personalities just made me uncomfortable. i feel guilty for so many reason ... just all of a sudden.

moreover ficky was with his ex, and all i can feel at that moment was that he's actually just playing games with me, he's just being nice, he's just an ordinary guy who's looking for summer flings and so on. it kinda hurt to think it that way, being prejudice all the time. but the facts just went out the way it goes. reality bites!

:: Ryan Adams // Wonderwall ::

the song soothe up my tension somehow.
"by now i should of somehow realize what i got to do ... what i not to do"
suddenly the song talks in a whole different way. and i accept what it has to say to me.

"maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me ... cause after all, you're my wonderwall"
yeah right, who's my wonderwall anyway?

pffffttttttt

this feeling just hit a thin air ...

Well, I just heard the news today

It seems my life is gonna change

I closed my eyes, begin to pray

Then tears of joy stream down my face

With arms wide open

Under the sunlight

Welcome to this place

I'll show you everything

With arms wide open

With arms wide open

Well I dont know if I'm ready

To be the man I have to be

I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side

We stand in awe, we've created life

With arms wide open

Under the sunlight

Welcome to this place

I'll show you everything

With arms wide open

Now everything has changed

I'll show you love

I'll show you everything

With arms wide open

With arms wide open

I'll show you everything

With arms wide open, wide open

If I had just one wish

Only one demand

I hope he's not like me

I hope he understands

That he can take this life

And hold it by the hand

And he can greet the world

With arms wide open

With arms wide open

Under the sunlight

Welcome to this place

I'll show you everything

With arms wide open

Now everything has changed

I'll show you love

I'll show you everything

With arms wide open

With arms wide open

I'll show you everything

With arms wide open

With arms wide open

CREED

what's the first thing that came up on your mind, when a guy told you to date him IF in a period of time, both of you haven't got a partner yet???!!! ayo coba gimanaaa!!!!!! agak freakin' nuts memang, tapi i just knew that it happens. Dan cara nanggepinnya, apa lagi kalo bukan 100% salting berat! gila banget juga yah. gw kepikiran apaan sih ampe bilang 'AYO!' darn it!

mommy bentar lagi balik, and this will be the end of my untouchable and adventurous nights. no more crazy hanging outs with so called happy gank. pdhl semuanya sih patah hatian gitu, entah di mana letak happy-nya ... denial abis! tapi kangen berat ama genk cewek2 ... teman2 kelompokku.. uhuhuhu. trakhir kali ketemu tuh yang bner2 pelukan mesra penuh arti dan rasa rindu. kangen ...

hmmmm ... right now, i'm trying not to think about him, dipikirin salah, gak dipikirin juga salah. serba salah. tapi emangnya apanya yang jadi bikin salah yah? lagi2 gw yang salah, emangnya salah klo bertindak biar diri gw aman dan merasa comfort? kenapa harus gw selalu yang bikin dia merasa comfort? toh dia juga udah gak mau peduli lagi bikin orang seneng, kan katanya toh dia gak bisa bikin semua orang hepi .. ya su!! receive the consequences man!!! phew!!!

:D puas nulis di blog sendiri. no one can judge me! no one!

uhuhuhu, setelah sekian lama tak mengisi apapun di sini, akhirnya mulai capek sendiri pake bahasa inggris, let's return to our mother tongue aja kli ye [lidah si ibu] [dan dia bergaring kriuk sendirian!! -red]. ugh sebal, terakhir kali nulis di sini, tiba2 si blogger berulah, dan serta merta hilanglah semua paragraf2 asik hasil tuangan hati dan pikiran gw. mengapa??!! bahkan blogger pun membenciku! [jadi corny gini].

hmmm semacam lelah fisik gara2 beberapa hari ini non-stop pulang pagi, menuju jam sahur lebih tepatnya. bepergian dengan ficky and 'the broken hearted club' [sesuai kata leo], betul2 menguji ketahanan fisik gw gitu. suara dari sejak batuk tambah gak balik2 lagi. uhuhuhu si ficky tuh apa gak pernah dicariin nyokapnya yah? anyhoo ... hari ini gak jadi karaokean gitu, sebal juga. brenti di depan rumah dan pada bingung mo ngapain saking berasa aneh pulang jam segitu. tetep aja musti dipol-in ampe jam2 menuju sahur .. dasar2 manusia2 gila!

this particular guy, who didit said, actually admire me [bingung kan loe, ada yang bisa2nya admire ama gw, apa udah gila ato buta ato emang hidupnya penuh denial??!!] [ah tidak!!! ternyata dunia juga masih bisa membaikkkkkk ... ini tidak normal lagiiii .....] dia ini bagaimana yah, hmm sulit digambarkan pake kata2 [jangan2 nge-gambar itu pake pinsil ato bolpen dan gak pake kata2 juga], he can actually capture back my caring side. bagian diri yang entah pernah tenggelem ke mana tau. konsisten abis!! ihihihihii blom lagi dia secara berkala give me chocolate, yummy ... niceeeeeeee ehehehe, dia tau bagaimana menyenangkan perut seorang wanita rupanya :p ihihihihi but even so ... bener kata fira ... i just haven't found the one who's going to fill up all the gaps that were left on my heart [aih mulai gak jelas lagi gini].

oh my dear!!! it's been a freakin' month!!! full of hectic things and plans to do and accomplished! but well... until now, everything's under a good control. Thank God. It's been a while since I last wrote a single word in here, 've been trying to get my own self back, but come up with different stories instead. i've been working in Prodak for almost a month now, met new friends, experiencing new environment, new surroundings, but it exhausted me.

there's this guy, who appareantly have a crush on me, and unfortunately i dont feel the same way. absolutely nothing [just can't blame me for that]... so one of his friend called me yesterday and we talked about it, the situation is not that hard to handle, but having to bear the local jokes of their peers really bothering me. it limited me to be as cool as I can be. btw, met jedi yesterday at citos, he was with macan. and thank God, ficky told me to come and said hello to them [have no idea why out of no where he would accompany me like that, but thanks though]... luckly .. i didnt feel any hurt feelings. but still, ficky's right, there's still something in me that felt the loss.

moving to 'kelompok' uhuhuhu, miss them a lot!! haven't seen them in a long while. it seems that my activities took me away from my best friends, and i hate it. i need them, for they've been as comfortable as myself. they're my getaway... :) miss you all.

another thing, this pay guy has been sending me chocolate twice. and yesterday's his birthday. arie sms-ed me early in the morning to reminded me about it. so after continuing my sleep for another 5 hours, i sms pay and congratulated him. then he reply with such phrase as if my words had touched him really deap and that it meant a lot to him. hmm, i wonder did i said the wrong thing... but despite of that,

background music: Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees

... but despite of that, even though i dont know [or will never ever know] who he is, his encouragement really help me a lot. even if i often made myself take his presence for granted, but frankly speaking ... i'm grateful to have his existence for the last couple of weeks.

lately, i've been into lots of Tahiti 80!! that french band is so cool!! love their songs a lot :D